Sola Fide, Alis Volat Propriis

Unsure and Worried

Okay so there are a few things that I left out in the introduction because I wasn't sure all of the details. Easter sunday I got a call from my Dad and he let me know that he has a tumor pushing up against his putuitary gland. He has been going to doctors and getting test done trying to find out if it is the kind that can be gotten rid of with medicine or if it is going to require surgery..Well it turns out that it is going to require surgery. Anyone who knows me knows that my father and I don't have a very good relationship and haven't for a long time. We have had a lot of stupid fights and with the distance between us and the fact that we are two very stubborn people...it feels almost hopeless when I think of our relationship getting better. And now hearing about what is going on with him now im really worried about it all. I'm not ready to loose him. I don't feel like i've really had him to start with and would like to become closer to him. I want him to be the one that walks me down the isle in my wedding someday. With all of this going on i'm not sure that I will get to have that...

Then you have my siblings in missouri. Okay let me attempt to explain this...My parents were no longer together before my first birthday came around...And around then my step mom came into the picture. My step mom already had a daughter, Lacey, who is 6 months older than I am. Then there is Natasha who came into the picture a couple years later and Derek a few years after her. Then there is Aydon who was adopted just over a year ago and is one year and a couple months. Lacey and Natasha and now Derek all have jobs...Of course once Lacey got a job at the McDonalds there it wasn't very hard for the other two to get one. Where as here in Florida it isn't exactly easy to find a job...ecspecially when you don't have a car. Sometimes I feel like they think they are better than I am just because I don't have a check coming in every couple of weeks. Even though I am a full time college student and do a lot of extra stuff on top of that including babysitting for several families. No I don't have a job and I haven't gotten my license yet...but there is no need to make me feel less than because of that. I wish that things were different that I didn't have to deal with all of this..I feel like I can never just get a break. I hope that I get to move out in December so that I can just get out of here and prove to everyone that i'm not worthless and my life is going somewhere...